My Chaotic Path with Spirituality 2: From Science to Life-Changing Awakening
Dodgy Childhood and a Strong Mind in Training
I do not define myself as religious at all, but neither can I say I am an atheist. I have faith—strong faith—even I cannot identify with any religion or representation of God. My faith is omnipresent, woven into everything that makes us: it manifests in ourselves, in nature, in the people and souls we meet, and in the events that shape our lives. Everything happens in divine timing. If you face a challenge or obstacle now, it’s because you need that specific lesson to evolve. At least, that is the kind of perception I shaped from a young age while facing the multiple hardships that came my way.
As a child, I remember my mother asking me for pictures of my father so she could bring them to a priest to curse him. I also recall her pulling Tarot cards and arranging her life based on her interpretations. At the time, these things meant nothing to me, but as I grew older, I realized they might have influenced my decision to distance myself from the spiritual world despite the faith within me. So, I chose to study mathematics and science—fields grounded in rational, tangible knowledge. They offered me a safe space to explore metaphysics and spirituality at my own pace.
Despite not being a Christian or a believer, I used to read the Bible every morning before school when I entered social services. I wasn’t interested in genealogies or kingdoms; instead, I underlined values like altruism, honesty, compassion, and righteousness with a colored pen. I sought a definition of goodwill and other core virtues, fundamental to me. Looking back, it seems surprising—especially since I grew up in social services without any authority figures. But something pushed me.
At 15, I began to see the power of mathematics. It challenged me, focused my busy mind, and became a source of gratification. Excelling in something so concrete helped me rebuild self-esteem, which had always been a sensitive topic for me. I had felt undesired, unworthy, and unloved countless times in my life—not always consciously, but deep within. Achieving success in math was different; it was real. I knew I deserved it because I had worked so hard for it.
A New World in Andalusia
After five years in Asia—where I achieved my Ph.D. and then went volunteering and backpacking—I returned to Europe with these life experiences and found myself in the spiritual communities of southern Spain, a world completely foreign to me at that time. Despite my strong faith, I confess that I used to laugh at things like yoga, meditation, and energy work. My faith felt private and intimate, something I rarely shared because I couldn’t identify with any specific religious or spiritual belief. It is a faith based on deep happiness and gratitude towards life, simple things, but in both good and bad times.
Yet, when I arrived in Andalusia, I was drawn into this new world—ceremonies around fires in the forest, shamanism, and natural medicine. On September 23, 2017, I got invited to a vegan Indian dinner, with a group of friends who explore energy work. For me it was a normal dinner night with friends. But something unexpected happened. During an energy manipulation session on my lower back, my life changed forever. I experienced something akin to an "out-of-body experience", a concept I didn’t even know at the time. It took me months to put the name "awakening" on it.
Sober and unprepared, I fainted, threw up, and woke up in a new reality. It took days to return to my "normal" life. My mind was flooded with information about parallel worlds, holistic science, quantum physics, and the origins of time and space. This sudden awakening redefined everything. It was a strong shock, a rebirth into a new reality from which I had to reconnect and link with our known material world. I began studying again—but this time, with new eyes. I revisited biology, math, cosmology, linguistics, history, and esoteric knowledge, understanding them in ways I never had before.
Even though I am grateful for the tools and training that my academic studies provided, I had to recognize the lack of time we have to digest all the information given to us. Mathematics is a very abstract world, yet we are primarily taught to apply equations and memorize proofs of complex theorems. We learn to use the tools but often miss their essence, as well as the fundamentals that form the basis of our sciences. This newfound perspective on the beauty of knowledge has stayed with me, and I am now dedicated to exploring holistic and multidisciplinary sciences.
This experience changed my life completely, pulling me away from my free-spirited, volunteer lifestyle. For years, I struggled to integrate this esoteric knowledge into my tangible, everyday life. At times, I cursed the day this awakening occurred, but my unshakable faith eventually led me to accept and even be grateful for it.
A Brutal Return to Material World
In spiritual communities, paradigms shift. What we call the subconscious becomes the conscious mind, and the physical world becomes obsolete. While I understood these theories, it was challenging to navigate a space where every word shifts its meaning and the entire paradigm changes. I spent years attending ceremonies and exploring practices aimed at spiritual embodiment, even though I did not really use substances. I learned so much and still have much to learn. They say once you start the journey, you cannot stop it. Once you have had one awakening, many will follow. There is no way back.
Despite my initial resistance, I embraced the journey. I developed an immense interest in Traditional Chinese Medicine and began teaching Qi-Gong daily for years, studying the nature of energy. Modern science now undeniably explains the existence of Qi energy according to TCM and Taoism (first chapter of Science&Passion serie release on February 3rd). In 2020, I founded an association to structure my research on Spain’s cork oak ecosystem, emotional intelligence, natural technologies, and more. By 2022, I had a yurt and a laboratory in a six-hectare forest, where I led research, gave conferences, and hosted workshops. My life had become a ritual rooted in nature and dedicated to holistic science.
But life had other plans. A relationship with a manipulative partner—a true psychopath—led to betrayal, theft, and the loss of everything: my work, my lab, my yurt, and my faith in the spiritual community. Witnessing betrayal within this community shattered me deeply. For nearly two years, I couldn’t even listen to the spiritual songs that had defined those five years of my life. I still struggle with it. Still, my faith remains. My faith is too strong to give anyone the power to destroy it, no matter how hard they try. That is, at least, my philosophy.
Reconciliation
in Brazil and Argentine
I didn’t realize when I chose Brazil as my next destination that I would soon confront my unresolved issues with spirituality. Next month in the final chapter of this serie, I’ll share how my experiences in Argentina and even more in Brazil help me heal and reconnect. Prooving us again that we never shall give up on our dreams however hard it is.
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